13 April 2011

I always try to warn you...

...when the post may be long or have no pictures.  Consider yourselves warned because this is both!

When my husband and I first got together, he would tell me horror stories about being dragged to court for more child support on a woman's every whim:  OHHH...you've gotten a new girlfriend?  I need more money!  You bought a new tire for your car?  You must have too much spare money!  His comment to me was that the child support system is set up to ONLY benefit the mother and for years I've VEHEMENTLY opposed that statement.  Going to court for child support for ME was demeaning.  My son's father "mistakenly" left his W2 home so they just GUESSTIMATED what his contribution should be.  And when I took him back to court because the child support wasn't being paid on time, he was ordered to pay TWO DOLLARS more than he already HADN'T been paying.  Now, I think anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I'm not a money hound.  I just want enough to give to God, pay some bills and enjoy time with my family...with a new pair of shoes sprinkled in here and there.  I pursued this child support case because I felt why should YOU get the BENEFITS of being a parent without taking the RESPONSIBILITY of being one???  But, if I knew then what I know now...I would have let him ride.  This is just TOO MUCH CONFUSION FOR NOTHING.

My teen is his father's first born.  He has two younger sisters with a third on the way.  Now I'm all for loving adults raising as many littles as their hearts desire...but don't have more if you can't care for the ones already here.  You can't IMAGINE how it's twisted my heart for my son to tell me, "Ma, my dad said that I may be cut short because there's another baby on the way."  Naw...I couldn't EVEN make something like that up.  Before my husband and I decided to have my littlest, we discussed whether it was feasible with all the other kids we had.  I can remember being pregnant and getting calls from my husband's daughter in South Carolina: "my friend's birthday is coming up and I need money to buy her a gift."  or "The dance is next week...can you send me money for shoes and pictures?"  I would go straight to the bank and deposit the money in her account because John and I are in this together.  

A couple of weeks ago, I got the following text:

Hey,I'm txting u 2 say that I checked out ur site & I think it's pretty cool & really shows ur creative side.  Even after I read ur blog from 09 that had

the not so flattering things n it about me :-) Lol.  But do u do personalized bday cards or things of that nature? Adia's 4th bday is April 27 & I may w

ant to patronize u for something unusual & unique.  Are u interested in having my business?  & that blog did sting a little but it's all good.  For real

Well, I finally went back and found the post he referred to...it's HERE if you haven't already seen it.  But, back to the text message...I really got upset so I decided to pray first and respond later.  I REALLY prayed hard on what to say to him.  I don't have that text because I've sent soo many since that day a few weeks ago but I do remember the gist of it: 

I normally pray on important situations in my life and then go to my husband for his advice.  This time, God revealed the answer to me and I didn't even need to bother John.  I can remember being a BEAST when I was younger...I wanted things to go my way.  Now that I'm trying to be better, I try to avoid situations where I'll be brought back to the person I used to be.  I got really angry thinking about you wanting me to do work for you because I can't even get the CHILD SUPPORT on time.  All I want to do now is encourage and see my son through his 18th birthday so that we can have as little contact as possible.

Because the child support, which I'm supposed to receive twice a month?  Well, I hadn't gotten it since JANUARY 24th!!!!  So here is HIS response...all ELEVEN TEXTS:

I've actually never thought of you as being as bad of a person as you seem to think you were.  I hope and I pray that the anger that you still harbor can

one day subside.  I want to understand it so that I can do or say the right thing or things to help you get over it.  Well maybe I do know what to say.  Kea

ndra, I apologize to you for hurting and disappointing you.  I mean it from the most inner part of me.  I'm sorry that I could not be the other half of 

the puzzle that you wanted us to put together.  If I ever mislead you, I'm sorry.  As far as what you or Ahmad think that I said regarding him, he is my f

irst born and only son.  You nor he, can quantify what that means to me.  But I guess I've failed miserably in getting him to begin to understand that.  As 

far as my Child Support goes; I have been in a legal battle with Lionel and Angie for almost a year.  According to the Temporary Restraining Order that wa

s granted to me, my Child Support should not be interrupted or late.  If it is, please let me know.  And I too, prayed to God.  And I asked that he forgive

you and me.  I asked that he give us peace and understanding.  I asked in earnest and he delivered me from the anger towards you a long time ago.  I know th

at I've tried to make peace with you sincerely and I've given you what I would want most.  Forgiveness and understanding.  So I'm at peace now with me and 

with you.  I wish you no harm as a person and the mother of my son.  I have love for you for those reasons as well.  I still think your site is very creati

ve.  Good luck with it.

When I read this, it just made me sad...sad that OBVIOUSLY God also delivered him from the responsibility of paying child support when He didn't deliver US from having to feed this 5'8" joker EVERY DAY!!!!  I asked my husband: why is it that whenever a woman comes REAL with a man he equates that with "I'm sorry I can't be with you"?  I thought for SURE he got the memo that any feelings I had for him were dead along with MY WEDDING INVITATION!!!!  I feel nothing for him for several reasons starting with what he did when my father was DYING.  

I had to drive from Jacksonville to New Orleans alone, which is about an 8 hour drive.  I explained to my son's father that my father had cancer and was not going to live (my daddy passed away two weeks later).  I explained that I didn't have a car charger for the phone and that I needed to stay off of it in case of emergencies.  I EXPLAINED that I wouldn't be answering his calls for that reason.  I BEGGED HIM to not call and upset my father who by that point was wearing TWO MORPHINE PATCHES to tolerate the pain.  I promised that when I got to Mobile (where I was more familiar with the area)  I would stop and buy a car charger.  I thought he understood...why then did my dad chew me out later?  He say that Ahmad's father had called him and said I was ignoring his calls.  All I could do was cry.  Something really died inside of me that day.  I really understood the depths of this person's selfishness.  How SELFISH are you to ask me to notify you EVERY TIME the payment is late???  When you're late with a mortgage payment, the company may give you a courtesy call; once you're late with so many...THEY LABEL YOU.  It's the same with ANY BILL YOU PAY.  Why should I continue telling you about YOUR RESPONSIBILITY???  I've told HIM before...I've told HIS MOM...I'm TIRED.  And understand that the payments didn't just START coming late for the past year like his text suggested...this has BEEN going on.  It's the reason we went back to court the second time.  Oh and by the way...the last child support payment is STILL JANUARY 24th...it STILL hasn't been paid!  You see, soft hearted ME thought: ok, I've mentioned not getting the support so I KNOW his pride won't let that go on much longer (because he does NOT like to be called out!)  Guess I was wrong!  So, I called yesterday to see what steps could be taken.  I was told that there is a lottery attachment in place.  HUH?  Did he hit the bigs????  No, but just in case he DOES happen to play and DOES happen to win a substantial amount, we'll collect the child support arrears then.  BAYBEE...that was the BEST LAUGH I have had in a MINUTE!!!  REALLY???  That's what you're going with?  The representative said, "He has a 30 day grace period"...ummm...30 days from WHEN???  'Cuz...I'm not SURE...but I think it's been OVER SIXTY!!!!  Then she said, "After NINETY days, the court will decide whether or not further action should be taken."  LAUGHABLE!!!!  I'm through with this, though.  I'm obviously dealing with a person whose understanding is limited.  You tell me that you just want peace between us...pay the child support and don't put my child behind your other responsibilities.  You think that I've harbored anger for you.  Let me tell you something about me, peeps:  I have to CARE about you in order for you to bring my temperature to boiling.  My husband...my kids...my girls...they all make me simmer every once in a while.  When I love you, you get the entire GAMUT of emotions.  But my feelings for Ahmad's father are stuck in neutral. My anger EMERGED a few weeks ago because you're affecting my child!  I WOULD put him out if he were on fire; I WOULD call 911 if he were in danger.  But, the only hurt I would feel if something DID happen would be the sadness for MY HURTING CHILD.  The ONE lesson that I've tried to instill in my two older boys and will drill into them and their baby brother until I'm no longer able is this: don't LISTEN to what a person says...look at his ACTIONS.  All the energy put into sending those text messages sounds like blah, blah, blah, blah because the child support office STILL has no payment and even when one DOES come...the next won't come on time.  If I'm wrong, I'll definitely let you know because I'm a STRONG proponent of people changing...or being so ticked off by what I said that they'll do whatever it takes to prove me wrong! ;P  



Tamika said...

Welcom back Keandra! And as usual you come hard and honest. I have debated many times how much of me to put on my blog so thanks for sharing. My situation almost mirrors yours but I gave up on asking about the money a long, long, time ago. My husband and I have had many lively debates because his situation is more like your husband's, always being dragged into court and being required to pay ridiculous goo-goo gobs of money for just one child - and he did on the other hand my daughters father spends most of his energy avoiding his payments. I used to go back and forth to court for him and then when my oldest was about six years old (she is 17 now) I stopped. Negative energy is just too draining and if you have to have a court make you be a father, shame on you, I am going to do what I do. I never mixed him seeing them with the money issue and for that my girls appreciate me. They have learned to ask him for the things they need directly, and if he does not give it to them they call him out on it. They know where he works and they will show up there on paydays if need be. My husband says he remembers seeing me struggle as a single parent but it was worth it to me, I could not spend time focused on their father when those girls needed me. So at this point he will be paying me a pittance of child support until they are thirty years old and no I am not going to forgive the arrears, that is part of my retirement money, lol.

Abena said...

All I could do as I read this was to shake my head. I, too, have had baby daddy drama as well as NO child support. You have done all that you can do. Now it's time to give God the wheel. I'll bring the wine and chocolates so we'll have refreshments during our front row seat at The Baby Daddy Karma Show. I love you mama!!

Irene (Ivy Swan Cards) said...

Keandra, I'm so sorry that you are in this difficult situation! I'm thinking of you and hoping everything will work out for the best!

Traci said...

I hope the best for you during all this mess.

The Scorpian Crafter said...

Wow...thru out all of this; you are still standing! This situation has made you a stronger Scorpio! I can't relate to your situation but I know that you can and are making it thru. We are strong people who tend to never forget...but eventually will forgive. Remember Karma....or the segement from The Color Purple when Celie told Mister "I curse you. Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble".

jacque4u2c said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}

chalesek said...

Thank God your a strong women!! I know what you mean about have a DEADBEAT!! I have supported Nathan along with my husband his entire LIFE!! The Donor is what I like to call HIM took ME to court!! What?! are you freakin kidding me ,why do you get the chose when and how you want to Parent??? Thank God you are not WHO you use to BE!!
Love Ya

Charity said...

Ummm.....he used quantify and temporary restraining order!

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