no internet...

...until the 18th. think...i'm...dying!!! my wireless card died while we were out of town, so we're switching to wireless dsl and they can't come out until the 18th to do the installation...i wonder if shanking someone will calm my nerves until then? maybe not since TAJ keeps reminding me that i can't scrap in jail! oh well! i'll just tell you how i kept my Christian ways instead of cussing ahmad's father!

he and i broke up when ahmad was four months old. over the next year we tried to get back together, to no avail. he dated other people, i dated someone else...which didn't sit too well with him. we finally just decided to be friends for our son's sake...until we decided to give our relationship another try. i thought it was going pretty well...until he told me ahmad had a sister on the way. i was hurt but i also felt that this was God's way of telling me that he wasn't the man for me. fast forward to last week, the last week of ahmad's summer visit. ahmad got it into his head that he's 13 and it's time for him to find out why his father and i aren't together. so, his stupid father sat down and told him...in detail. why did this CHILD need to know that while we were trying to reconcile, i dated another man? why did he need to know about PHYSICAL aspects of our relationship? and why didn't you tell him how YOU impregnated his sisters' mom while you were still seeing me? when ahmad told me about this conversation, my head started hurting...INSTANTLY. if he had asked me first, i would have explained that sometimes PEOPLE choose their mates instead of leaving it to God and PEOPLE ALWAYS mess up. i would have explained what happened between his father and myself without casting either of us in a bad light. because i TRULY feel grateful for meeting him. for one thing, my cheeks wouldn't be the same, beautiful kid if he didn't have the EXACT same genes. secondly, i'm grateful to ALL of the idiots i dated because i have a GREAT appreciation for my awesome husband! is it just me? i don't understand why ahmad's father always tries to ally himself with ahmad instead of just being his father. i chastise ahmad and i show him the right way...being his friend is second- or tertiary! you don't know how grateful to God i was because you know what? i STILL didn't cast him in a bad light. i STILL didn't tell my son, "your father and i are not together because he's one of the biggest idiots i ever let see me naked!" NO. instead i told him, "you just continue praying for him, mahd!" and that type of attitude can ONLY come from God! i'm not completely enlightened, though, because if i THOUGHT i could shank him and get away with it...BAYBAY!!!