in the last five hours....

...we have:
*unsuccessfully looked for the keys
*blessed the locksmith with $200 for more keys
*realized that we don't have enough bags to bring all of our junk, so...
*john has gone to my mom and dad's to borrow a bag and the alarm has gone off on him TWICE
and the security guards have come to check him out...

not to sure i want to go anywhere right now...i'm scared of what else may go on today!

things to do...

...before we leave:
soo, div and helene arranged for me go attend my first cha; the bags are (almost!) together; i'm gonna look all cute (see #5 on my list) we have this AWESOME room at a resort; and...and...for some reason, kea has decided to hide the keys to my truck! now, john and i both have trucks but his is a pickup. we can't travel to florida in his truck with all our stuff (including my two bags of kraft NECESSITIES and our computers), AND bring ahmad home without looking like the beverly hillbillies! now, we can look at this in two different ways: either it's God saying we need to wait to go to florida (which means i'll miss cha) or it's the freakin' devil!!! whichever it is, please pray for us...the locksmith wants to charge $185!!! if i blog tomorrow, i'll be in tears because i'm STILL HOME!!! the devil is REALLY ridin' me this month!!!

It was the best of times...

...it was the worst of times. i mean, i had to listen to how my grandfather couldn't remember anything for years and had several strokes in a few weeks time. i had to listen to the IDIOT minister who thought he was on amateur night at the apollo instead of my grandfather's going home service. but, after he was laid to rest, i got to see family i haven't seen in YEARS or in some cases have never seen. so sorry my grandfather is gone; so glad to reconnect with others whose lives he made possible, too.
saturday was the service. the closer we got to 11, the quieter i got...i don't deal well with death. i don't think of the good times-i think about all the times i was supposed to visit and missed out. i think about all the times that will never be. we got to the service, i opened a program and saw...my father staring up at me. my grandparents have lost two of their seven children...both to cancer:my uncle, rufus jr. and my dad. why would my aunt put pictures of my daddy in the program without warning me? i was already grieving him-his birthday is today-AND my grandpa...i didn't need any more on me. THEN, this...this...RENT-a-minister they found on the corner somewhere. he made some valid points while he preached...he REALLY did. but, they were overshadowed by his comedy act. he went from talking about my grandfather's life to telling us, "i don't care nothing about you negroes!" and, i know i make you all laugh a lot (i like to enjoy life and bring joy when i can) but even I COULDN'T MAKE THAT UP...that man ACTUALLY said that to us. the point he was making was that he has to serve God and recognize God and he can't worry about what others think...but ONCE AGAIN his good message was overshadowed by his delivery. i did really well, though. i thought i would boo hoo the entire time (i'm the one who burst into tears when michael jackson's daughter spoke at his memorial!) so, i was strong. what broke me down? being reminded that my father is no longer here while i was trying to deal with my grandfather passing. my aunt got up to reflect on her father. i thought i was going to pass out when she got to the end. my grandfather had alzheimer's for YEARS. i can remember visiting him at his barroom one day and he asked "when is the last time you saw your uncle charles?"...about SEVEN TIMES!!! that was the moment I KNEW. well, my aunt said that he awoke saturday morning and said, "at least i'm going out with a bang!"...he died on the fourth of july. God is SO REAL! i was worried about my grandpa; i wondered if people with alzheimer's REMEMBER God...do they remember to ask for forgiveness before they die. that statement let me know that God brought him back to reality...if only for a moment. but, one moment is all he needed to make things right with the Lord.

he looked good...my grandpa. i made myself look at him once last time before they closed the coffin. he looked like the old him. what made me cry? i could see makeup on his moustache...a reminder that, no matter how i tried to tell myself he was just asleep it wasn't true. i watched my grandmother rub her hand all over this man she was wed to for over FIFTY years, her baby daddy seven times over. it was as if she wanted to store up how the physical him felt until she sees him again. then, they closed the coffin and let him rest eternally.

we went to someone's house (i didn't know whose until we had been there a few hours) and i reconnected with my family. i have a first cousin (our fathers are brothers) who i've only met three times in my life...her sisters were complete strangers to me. her daughter was in jamani's class...he said he thought about dating her because she's so cute. i know it's sad. my parents were divorced when i was two. and even though i know my father's parents, siblings and a FEW of his other family members, the rest are virtual strangers to me. i'm old enough now where i can change that. we have some very wonderful, very talented Perkins' who i'm making it my mission to get to know. of COURSE i had my camera with me! here are some of the pix from that day:
my grandmother with her remaining children. others took this picture, too, so hopefully someone else has a clear version of it!
my grandfather's twin sister, ruth
my bald head jamani holding kea
john with my cousin, myra's daughter jordan. isn't she the most beautiful chocolate drop you've ever seen?
me and my cousin teedie (leticia). saturday was the third time we've seen each other in LIFE (that we can remember!) it's funny: the office that she worked in is next door to the post office i've worked in for 13 years. we actually had people telling us: there's a girl at that bank/post office who looks JUST LIKE YOU!!! that's what made us seek each other out! i think she's beautiful but i don't think we look that much alike...well...yeah, maybe we do!

i made a collage so this post wouldn't be extra long...but, i lost it and i don't have the energy to redo it, so here are a FEW more pix:
my grandmother with my great aunt and aunt/godmother in black with some of my grandmother's grandchildren. there were so many of us that they started taking the pictures in parts...that's why you can see people hanging off the edges of this picture...i do have the other parts!

my cousin, rick, my shadow kaila (who is rick's baby sister), me and my auntie gail, who is also my godmother. my uncle charles has been married twice in his life...both to women named gail...WEIRD!!!
my cousin deedie, teedie, teedie's sister myra (who i met for the first time saturday!) and me

i know that life has to go on. i hope to get better acquainted with my perkins family; i have SO much kreating that i want to do. i have to get the house completely clean before our trip to florida in a couple of weeks. so, i have a lot to keep me occupied....but my heart still hurts. happy birthday, daddy.

The hardest part...

...of losing someone you love is that...life has to go on for the living. what i mean is you've suffered this HUGE heartbreak. you feel like all the stores and schools should close for a week. it should be declared a national week of mourning. but, none of that happens. people still show up to their 9 to 5's, teachers still give pop quizzes...life goes on. and you see people who (God forgive me!) you feel are undeserving of another breath and you wonder, why, Lord? why did you take him/her and allow this idiot to continue breathing air? john and i took kea to the lakefront yesterday. i'm a HUGE homebody (i.e. hermit!) but my husband is just the opposite. so, to keep the man smiling, i go out and smell the flowers sometimes. it was beautiful. the wind was blowing so it didn't feel like we were having tea in hell. we got ice cream cones from mcdonald's and sat on the steps, watching the water, the fish jumping out of the water, the boats moving lazily back and forth, and...the two idiots whose screaming got louder and louder. ummm, one of these things does NOT belong! (YA THINK?!?) this couple (who were sitting lovingly together when we first parked) exploded in anger after we had been there for about fifteen minutes. the argument got so bad that john and i started plotting our escape if things got worse (i.e. HE decided to pull out a gun and pop a cap in her ...you know!) i guess he wasn't answering the questions the way she wanted him to because she started slapping him in the face to emphasis how upset she was. he bent down to avoid the licks and she KNEED HIM IN THE FACE! that was ALL homeboy could take because he was slapping her all OVER the place! now, let me tell you why john and i didn't hurriedly dial 911. after that first lick, she didn't grap her face in surprise; she didn't look around for help. she was ALL UP IN THERE with him like he was manny!!! you could tell that this was a regular occurence for them. after the smack down, they continued their heated discussion. it was SO SAD!!! whenever i see something like this after a tragedy, i wonder why people like that are still breathing when productive loved ones can no longer contribute to society. again, God forgive me because i know it's not for me to question...i'm just hurting right now.
WOOSAH! (deep breath!) so, even though my heart has holes in it...i have to go on. here are my newest layouts for lotus (last week's and this week's):

make sure to get over there and take part in this week's (sketch) challenge for a chance for some goodies!
i want to say thanx to all of you who have sent your condolences. do you know it's you all (in conjunction with my husband) who hold me up? i am the only one of my mother's children who had a different father. i said that to say this: my sisters and brothers haven't even called to check on me and YOU have! you have made my heart mend (some!) with your warm thoughts, prayers and comments...you're SO appreciated! another wonderful aspect of this week-peggy
gave me TWO blog awards!!!


plus, you HAVE to read the wonderful comment she wrote:

Keandra - I love you girl!!! I'm always so excited to see you've made a new entry in your blog, because then I know I'm in for a treat. Not only do you make some of the best LO's around (I adore your work!!!!), but you share so much of your personal life on your blog that I sometimes feel like I know you personally. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me feel proud of your boys, and with those pics of your food you put on your blog, a lot of the times you make me want to come over for dinner LOL. I feel this is a true friendship, and I want you to know how fortunate I feel to have met you, even though it's a cyberspace friendship!

that is SO BRUDIFUL!!!! i feel all warm inside! i really pray to God that He gives me the opportunity to meet some of my wonderful online friends in person someday (and under GOOD circumstances...you gotta be careful what you pray for!) so, in keeping with the blog award requirement, i pass these two along to:
1. julie- because she's so funny, sweet and creative...and i'm excited about meeting her in a
couple of weeks!
2. taj-because she's my girl...she holds me up on a daily basis!
3. pam- so REAL...so WARM...so TALENTED!!!
4. mands-(see pam!) we have SO MUCH in common!
5. jaime lynn-just one of the most wonderfully talented ladies i've NEVER met!

that's it for now. my grandfather's service is tomorrow. please continue to pray for us...i feel every prayer!

On the day...

...that america celebrates its independence, God gave my grandfather his freedom. he passed away this morning...and i never got to say goodbye...

It's hard...

...when a loved one dies. i think it's even harder when you KNOW that person is gonna die. all the last moments you should be enjoying, you instead spend moping, drooping...thinking about what ifs. my dad found out he was dying in march of 2006. the doctors gave him 6 months to live; he was gone in 4. his birthday was july 15th and he passed away on july 22nd. so, every year around this time i get the down in the dumps. to add to it, my cousin just told me yesterday that my grandfather won't last much longer. he's had three strokes in the last few weeks; the doctors say it's too many in such a short period of time and he won't last. so, john and i will take jamani and keanohn to the hospital in the morning...even though he doesn't remember ANY of us...and we'll say our goodbyes. so, my d.i.t.d. are worse this year because i'm reminiscing about my dad and also waiting for his father to join him. i've had a constant headache since my cousin told me. i don't care much about ribs and potato salad right now...can't think much about my stomach when my heart hurts so much...